J.S. Bach and 9-11
That sounds like a nonsense association but in my mind at least there is a connection that is more indirect that direct. It is like the way many people turned to music for
comfort in a tough time, but my reaction may have been caused by others reaction to those events rather than my own direct reaction. I was, like many others, caught up in
the inward retreat; not fear, so much as withdrawal, while others behaved in different ways. I felt that I wasn't directly affected by 9-11 like other people. because I was
skeptical of what they were reacting to, but I was more affected by the side effects they created.
Music as a Refuge
I wasn't aware of it at the time, but people around me recoiled in fear from their daily pursuits after 9-11. These were outer-directed success-oriented types who in some cases reacted badily to the shock. I must have sensed the withdrawal and fear and reacted by
looking inward and for something to get solice from and so in late 2001 and early 2002
began a project to study Bach's Organ music. This was in response to a bullying boss,
Alan V. Monday, at Sun Microsystems, whose agenda may have been to get rid of any employees who had health care issues. There was a shadow at work, which was filled by
Bach's music. I had lost a set of LPs of Bach's Complete Organ Music, probably sold off by a drunk Bobbi and I knew or even someone in my family, a few years ago, and so had ignored these works since there were so many, and the quality of the recordings was low, anyway. So, for several years I had been collecting MIDI files of Bach and by 2001/2 had amased enough to try to begin a study, and these were tiny files that lived on my workstation. So rather than be board with time on my hands and a bad boss I began studying these wonderful works.
People Take Notice
In my life, when I am under stress I spend my time on music. It is solice, but also escape. It is meditation. Most the the benefits of meditation seem to come my way by the concentrated mental activity in listening to music. Many people can see that something unusual is going on and I have met many of the women in my life this way. This happened again in 2002 when I met Sylvia Stephenson-Bryan in late 2002 and Siobhan Duny earlier. People notice what others are doing even when the object of their interest is unware of this for some time, weeks or months. I'm not saying that this has always a healthy outcome, however.
I am liberated
I finally realized how unique I am, how gifted. Even though a former boss, Paul Schaffer was critical of how I coped with Alan Monday, I also felt that he admired me greatly and really felt something special in my love-fest of Bach in 2002. Paul's mother was from Liepzig and being German, Paul must have been impressed that I could concentrate on the music and use the scores. I know that the intensity of my passions excited and at the same time repulased both Sylvia and Siobhan. Sylvia must have felt that there was no room for her with my passion, but closer to the truth is that she wanted to always be the center of attention and to control things most of the time anyway. What those interactions of 2002 taught me was critical, that people really aren't connected to the extant that they really see much of what another person is really about. Their perception is heavily filtered through their own fixations. This fact has helped me lose much of the anxiety I had felt most of my life about how people see me. It has also liberated me to rejoyce in what I do that is close to my heart and not worry about if it is appreciated. Others don't often see, let alone care, or their motivation is caused by their loss, what they are missing. There is no need to be anxious about this. One is powerless to do much about the fixations in others. One must work around them and often the best course is to say nothing, just to take care of yourself and to speak softly if at all.
I Lose my Family of Origin
This sounds like they all died. This hasn't happened, but it could just as well be, and it had been a long time coming. I could take some of the blame and say that I didn't make enough of an effort, but the truth is that there was a poison in the group in the form of my oldest sister and her now-deceased husband whom I think was a sociopath and the lack of strength of my other three sisters if they had the will to stand up for my stake in the family. It has been nearly two years since I spoke to any of them although an uncle did write me and ask about it. I didn't blow off the sisters. I had words with my brother-in-law, who died, and my youngest sister about what I said to him in kind which wasn't very nice, but none of the rest of them have made any effort since them to reach me. The uncle said that there had been a rift in the family, whether that is about me and them or involves other schizsms, I don't know. If any one deserves wrath, it is my oldest sister, but I can't say a word since I believe that the Universe exacts its justice in some way if it is deserved. I trust that what is just is just what is.
Do for Yourself
Up until about 2003, I suffered from lower self-esteem because I thought that my intentions had a direct relation to how people reacted to me. This is mistaken. One of the topics that Sylvia Stephenson brought up, and in this way she was really helpful, was the Enneagram of Personality which is a personality typing system with positive advice for how to cope with different types of people and to grow with your own limitations. Each type is about what is missing, but there is a positive message in that you do have access to all the other styles and that wellness comes in finding balance. It also somes in seeing that others' reaction to you is more about their fixations based in their type than what they perceive about you. This was something also very much exhibited by Sylvia in the brief time I interacted with her and then by every other person I have delt with since. One person who also knew Sylvia is Charmaine Dungy, who is an enneagram expert. I see her from time to time and we talk at length about all this and she has amplified my insights. From February 2003 until August of this year I lived with Nick Turner, who is also eneeagram trained, and he has helped me understand this as well. What my passion for music has taught me about this is that in balance it is OK to be a 5 and to find the citidal in music, provided it is balanced off with other ways of dealing, "comming up for air", I call it. The 5 does have access to meditation, naturally, and does best of all the types in withdrawing and being non-attached, but only when he loses anxiety. I have also learned that my sensativity to music is my gift and even though I can't share it yet as a performer, it is OK for now for me to use it to stay centered, to meditate, and to manage my mental resources. I have also learned that my job is to take care of myself and not to try to fix or change anyone else, even to the point of not offering advice when I could or to say something in as low key and soft a manner I can. Siobhan Duny has recently tried to hurt me. I see that as a product of what is missing in her, of her own unconscious fears and anxiety. I have no desire to call her on it. If she were to approach me and ask what I thought, which I doubt that she has to courage to do, I will try to explain this in as gentle a way as I can, but I am not inclined to make any such effort myself. I had for a long time felt a curiosity about Sylvia, but that has wanned because it is now clear that although she lives so close that she doesn't want to cross paths with me and discuss anything. It is possible that she spies on me; I thought that I have seen her from time to time, but I need to make no first effort with her.
